CHARACTER PROFILES
The day began like any other...
me, Zoltar, trapped in that cursed box, left to rot for centuries, thanks to Malik’s twisted sorcery!!! Centuries, I tell you, living in an endless nightmare of illusions and shadows!!! But then, out of nowhere, a gaffer, some poor, unsuspecting fool decides to plug in my machine, probably thinking he was just doing his job!!! WRONG!!!
What he did was unleash the storm!!!
Suddenly, the curse was shattered, the illusion broken!!! I could feel the magic surging through me again, and before I knew it, I was OUT!!! FREE AT LAST!!! You can’t begin to understand the feeling of escaping that box, that wretched prison!!! But what do I know about the real world now? NOTHING!!!
All I’ve got is a head full of movies!!!
That’s right, everything I know comes from the flickering images on a screen!!! Reality? Pffft, reality is just another illusion!!! But I need to figure it out, and fast!!! First stop? Tom Hanks, of course!!! He’s the only one who might understand the madness I’m going through!!! But how do I reach him? I need a typewriter, something real, something tangible, to cut through the illusions!!!
So where do I go? The movies always start with a journey, right?
I decide to head to an antique shop in Old Town Orange!!! Why an antique shop? Because it’s a place where the past lingers, where the ghosts of yesterday’s illusions still hang in the air!!! And I need that typewriter, the kind they used in the old movies, to reach out to Tom Hanks!!! Modern technology? HA!!!
It’s all an illusion, a web of lies spun by Malik to trap us!!!
As I step into the shop, the scent of dust and decay hits me! A fitting reminder of how I was left to rot!!! And then, out of the corner of my eye, I see it! Props from another of Malik’s cursed productions, decaying, forgotten, just like me!!!
This isn’t just any antique shop
it’s a graveyard of illusions, where the past comes to die!!! And then something else catches my eye! A booth called “Randomland”!!! What’s this now? Some kind of shrine to the bizarre? I’m drawn to it, like a moth to the flame of a projector!!!
As I explore this booth, I realize it’s not just a shrine!
It’s a collection, a twisted museum of illusions!!! Artifacts from roadside attractions, relics of Route 66, and bizarre oddities from movies long forgotten!!! And that’s when I see him! A man in a black baseball cap, staring at me like he’s seen a ghost!!! He KNOWS me!!!
He’s excited, too excited!!!
He knows EVERYTHING about Zoltar and all the locations of the fortune teller machines!!! WHAT?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN “LOCATIONS”? There’s only ONE Zoltar, and that’s ME!!! This can’t be real!!!
The man in the black cap tries to explain, but I’m already seeing red
This is Malik’s doing, spreading his dark magic through COUNTERFEIT machines!!! It’s all an illusion, a twisted game to make me think I’m not the only one!!! But I KNOW better!!!
The man in the black cap, Justin, he says his name is...
offers me a place to crash while I figure things out!!! What choice do I have? I need allies in this twisted movie we’re all trapped in!!! But there’s a catch! Justin says his wife won’t be thrilled about this, so I’ve got to lay low in his office where he edits YouTube videos!!!
Sure, whatever, I’ll play along!!!
It’s all part of the game, right? So we sneak into Justin’s home, dodging his wife like we’re in some kind of heist movie!!! I get settled in the office, surrounded by screens and gadgets, and that’s when Justin suggests it!
“Zoltar, you need a website to track these counterfeit machines!!!”
A website? I don’t know the first thing about websites! It’s all another illusion to me!!! But Justin, he gives me a crash course!!! We start building it together, documenting every counterfeit Zoltar the fortune teller machine we find across Southern California!!! Every counterfeit, every illusion Malik has spun, we log it all!!!
But, of course, Malik is always watching, always plotting!!!
He finds our website, and the next thing I know, I’m CURSED AGAIN!!! This time, I’m locked in a room with a TV that only plays 90 Day Fiancé on an endless loop!!! The volume is DEAFENING, the kind of sound that drills into your brain and drives you mad!!! I’m trapped in this hellish illusion, losing my mind!!!
The TV can’t be turned off, unplugged, NOTHING!!!
This is worse than the box, worse than any prison!!! I know who’s behind this! Kyle at TLC HQ, that puppet of Malik’s!!! He’s gaslighting me, making me think I turned the TV off when I never did!!! The torment is unbearable, but I’ve got to push through!!! I’ve escaped once; I can escape again!!! The world needs to know about these counterfeits, these cursed illusions!!!
And just when I think it can’t get any worse...
I’m awoken in the middle of the night and thrown into a windowless van!!! My captor? None other than DAVID COPPERFIELD!!! He’s learned that I’ve ESCAPED the box and now, he needs me for his show!!! His current grand finale is some lame alien and UFO trick that’s tanking his ticket sales!!!
So what’s his brilliant idea?
He’s going to have ME, ZOLTAR THE FORTUNE TELLER, walk out of my box every night to delight and inspire the audience!!! This isn’t magic; it’s pure illusion, a twisted charade!!! I’m kept locked away in a suite at the MGM Grand, forced to perform like some kind of circus animal!!!
Copperfield’s driver takes me on outings occasionally, but it’s all under surveillance!!!
Copperfield even let me keep my website, as long as he has his own password to access my blog!!! My every move is scrutinized, my freedom just another illusion!!! But I’m not fooled! I KNOW what’s real!!!
So now, I’m calling out to all you SHIMMERING GAS BAGS!!
I need your help to document these counterfeit Zoltar machines!!! I can’t do it alone! Not with Copperfield breathing down my neck!!! There’s a network of these vile machines, spreading Malik’s dark influence from coast to coast!!!
I need you to track them, log them on the website, and help me expose the truth!!!
This isn’t just about me! This is about the very fabric of reality, being twisted and corrupted by Malik’s sorcery, turning everything into one big illusion!!! The hunt is on, and I won’t rest until every last counterfeit is exposed!!! We will tear down the curtain of lies and break free from this twisted movie we’re trapped in!!! ARE YOU WITH ME?!!!
This is no ordinary logo. It’s a twisted, arcane symbol designed by Malik himself, an ancient rune that writhes and shifts when you’re not looking. At first glance, it seems like a simple label, but the longer you stare at it, the more it pulls you in, like it’s crawling into your mind. Some say the trademark is cursed. Those who gaze upon it too long are plagued by nightmares, endlessly dreaming of Zoltar machines until they’re driven mad. Worse yet, Malik can track anyone who’s looked at it for too long. It’s not just branding! It’s a MARK on your very soul.
It doesn’t matter how you shuffle the deck, you always get The Tower, the card of ruin and destruction. It’s bent, frayed, and smells like failure. The machine forces it into your hand with a sickening hiss, and just when you think the deck might hold something new, the cards reshuffle themselves, cackling as if your downfall is inevitable. Every card taunts you with promises of disaster. Every. Single. Time.
It doesn’t just drain your bank account, oh no, it takes something far more precious: your soul, your dignity, maybe even that secret you’ve been hiding from your spouse. And once you’ve paid, the machine sends an eerie giggle through the speaker, as if mocking you for being so foolish. Want a refund? Too bad! The terminal won’t even spit out a receipt, leaving you wondering if this was all just a fever dream.
Watch helplessly as you relive the most embarrassing moments of your life, or worse, your future as it could go horribly wrong. One moment it’s showing you stuck in traffic forever, the next, you’re knee-deep in corn! Sometimes it just shows an endless loop of cornfields… nobody knows why, but it’s disturbingly hypnotic.
And if by some miracle you catch a glimpse, it’s a threatening message like, "The end is near… for YOU." Before you can process it, the words vanish right before your eyes, leaving only a blank slip of paper with a faint smell of brimstone. Sometimes, instead of fortunes, it spits out used bus tickets or someone else’s dry-cleaning receipts from 1987. And no, it’s never helpful.
His movements are stiff and jerky, and his glowing red eyes follow you even when you try to look away. Instead of wise fortunes, he spews out garbled nonsense like “You will find love in… a sandwich?” or “Beware of the… pumpkin!” Every now and then, the head spins 360 degrees, making a loud clunk as the body catches up. You think it’s broken, but it’s watching. Always watching.
Scattered around the base of the machine are kernels of corn that mysteriously spill out whenever someone asks for their fortune. Some say it’s a prank; others claim it’s tied to an ancient farming curse. Either way, it makes no sense. Sometimes the fortune tickets are covered in bits of corn, and if you try to clean it up, more appears. The corn won’t stop. It’s EVERYWHERE. Is it sentient? Possibly. Is it cursed? Definitely. Why corn? Only Malik knows… and he’s not telling.
Occasionally, in between cryptic fortunes, you’ll hear them banging on the inside, screaming for help: “LET ME OUT! IT’S A TRAP!” But the machine quickly drowns them out with more eerie carnival music or a sudden burst of static. No matter how hard you try to rescue them, Malik’s sorcery is too powerful. You’re left wondering if you imagined it, or if this poor soul is doomed to forever spit out these cursed fortunes.
